Lip stick stains
on the rim of my coffee cup
A vibrant red
drawing my eyes to the tracks of my addiction
The scent of freshly brewed java
travels through my nose
carrying with it
traces of regret
My weakness
rich, dark
irresistible flavor
Don’t drink it
intuition cries out
in a high pitched screech
Though my body takes over
and my lips grow closer
nearly touching the silk like liquid
I know so well
Resist.
Flashing images of
frosted eyes and
insomniac nights
frosted eyes and
insomniac nights
chase away the desire for another taste
Caffeine does not need me as I need it
Although the ghosts
of my past mistakes
are not strong enough
I think of those luscious curves
the way that earthy aroma tempts me
in every way
I think of those luscious curves
the way that earthy aroma tempts me
in every way
The insides of my stomach turn
as if they have grown hands of their own
and are waiting
to reach out and consume
the sweet, sweet taste
of bliss
the sweet, sweet taste
of bliss
As sweat makes a home for itself on my forehead
as my eyes tire from the futile attempt
to overcome this battle
my strength escapes me
My lips grow closer once more
and the warm contents
of the only cure
I have ever known
of the only cure
I have ever known
voyage through my pipes
with graceful fluidity
as they say hello
to the brown covered paths they saw
only one hour ago
The craving vanishes,
dissolves into a soft
momentary sensation
of breathtaking pleasure
Intuition is defeated once more
momentary sensation
of breathtaking pleasure
Intuition is defeated once more
and I sink back into the arms
of the only one who has ever known
just how my body gives in
of the only one who has ever known
just how my body gives in
This poem depicts such a clear scene of vice as a sensory experience. My main comment is along the lines of that which we talked about in class which is that i think if you nix a lot of the small/in-between words that make lines sound more prose like it would flow more naturally and sound more fluid. There are also a few places were I think the word choice is a little clunky (like the word "java") but over all i think this is a beautiful depiction.
ReplyDeleteI really like the imagery used in this poem. Creative and effective ways of showing your emotions in a way the reader can taste them. One suggestion I have might be to somehow add a bit of backstory or deeper emotion that may be beneath the coffee drinking and insomnia: the emotion was so rich, with lines like "the only cure I have ever known," I feel like it can't only be about craving coffee. Maybe even alluding to another memory of drinking coffee: the morning after a breakup, staying awake for something particularly meaningful...just a thought. I really liked this poem
ReplyDeleteYeah the whole poem is a metaphor. It's not really about drinking coffee. It's alluding to a much deeper addiction.
DeleteThe imagery in this poem is so fresh and tangible. You include some wonderful descriptions such as "rich,dark, irresistible flavor", "frosted eyes", "silk-like liquid".
ReplyDeleteThere are some awkward, unnecessarily wordy lines, which you could clarify by removing and swapping some words. For example: "drawing my eyes to the tracks of my addiction", maybe shorten this to "tracing the tracks of my addiction." Yes, we lose the imagery of your eyes, but we know its your eyes that notice the stains. Another example: "Don’t drink it/ intuition cries out / in a high pitched screech", maybe condense "intuition cries out/ in a high pitched shriek" to "intuition shrieks", that way you directly describe how the intuition sounds.
And just so you know, I did understand the overall metaphor of your addiction to coffee as an addiction to something much larger. I liked it. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThe poems starts out really vividly--the image of the lip stick stains, the "vibrant red"
A thought on the last line of the first stanza--I think an interesting way to reframe the line-still using the word "tracks" to parallel othe forms of addiction--would be to think of the word "tracks" also in the more literal sense of a trail, and then think of the lipstick itself as the tracks leading into the cup i.e. tracks leading into the addictive substance...maybe reword as "A vibrant red/the tracks of/to my addiction"--which would also tighten up the language a bit
The intense, maybe a little overdramatic language really sells the idea of addiction--much the way a love poem might describe the object of the speaker's affection in great physical detail.
I do think there's still a little something that the poem's looking for to bridge the gap from "coffee-addiction" to "metaphor for other kinds of addiction"--instead of being confused for a very melodramatic poemm about coffee. Hmm, I dunno. Maybe more parallel language like "tracks"? Actually, I have no idea.
I enjoyed reading this poem and felt you used some really clear imagery when it came to describing the coffee. I thought this line was original - "As sweat makes a home for itself on my forehead" and vivid. I felt with this line- "and so the cycle goes on," you can cut out "and so" to make to sound sharper. I appreciate the depth of this poem!
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of the comments above, but some other things also occur to me. For whatever reason, a lot of us seem to be having trouble connecting the metaphor to another specific context. That is something for you to think about in revision.
ReplyDeleteI also believe this poem is useful in the context of one of my points in class about metaphors. Remember when I talked about how the best metaphors make a connection between things that are qualitatively different from them? Here you connect caffeine addiction to ... some other kind of addiction, it seems. But what kind, I am not sure, and given that you are comparing addiction to addiction, I wonder if there is enough of a difference for the metaphor to be meaningful. It's sort of like comparing being hot to being in a sauna. See what I mean?
My favorite parts are the parts where your language gets stranger and more original. I like this part a lot:
The insides of my stomach turn
as if they have grown hands of their own
and are waiting
Not sure about the last line of that stanza, but the rest of it is great.
Another thought. There are A LOT of abstractions here. For example, here is your final stanza. Note how all of it from top the bottom is abstract except for the phrase "crawl all over me":
Temporary pleasure
deceives my mind
into forgetting the pain
which will soon crawl all over me
and so the cycle goes on
I think ending on a tactile scene--something that appeals to our inner senses--will make this poem stronger. Looking forward to reading more.