Misfortune lived on her doorstep
acted as a force against all things
favorable in her eyes
Superstition scrubbed the sanity from her mind
washed away all lucidity
replaced it with apprehension
Death always lay right around the corner
loomed over the people she loved
stole each ray of light
she thought was finally hers
but over her head soared that familiar black crow
with it’s deep, dark eyes and vacant soul
Prayers buried themselves into the ground
built a fortress to fight her pleads
what good was begging to a god
who gave no sign her entreaties were received?
The sound of her late husband’s cries played a dissonant tune
he was stabbed seven times in the shower
disrupting their far from perfect honeymoon
on the day of their wedding she told him
it was bad luck to look his bride in the eyes
he laughed with such great power, and brought his soft green irises to hers
The sharp memory her father once had, vanished into the crisp air
she shook him fiercely, screamed, “I am your daughter”
but she was only seen as an intruder.
during the innocent games of her childhood
he always rolled three sixes
a sign of the end times, a sign of all that was to come
The limbs of her ten year old child, lay lifeless on her kitchen floor
brown blood slept silently in a puddle, untouched
as if it were a guest in her home
at the age of four, he cracked his father’s looking glass
trying to swat a fly on the wall
the premonition of imminent disaster overshadowed his every move
The vision in her eyes wandered away
perhaps to see what the happier side of life looked like
she was now blind, with not but one soul to remember yesterday
She never rolled any sixes
never broke any loooking glass
maybe her tragedies were not curses
merely hardships and misfortunes
She never rolled any sixes
never broke any loooking glass
maybe her tragedies were not curses
merely hardships and misfortunes
If this life of hers was planned to plummet
if the ill omens were not but her fate
who can find comfort from an idea so chilling?
that some lives are destined to detonate.
Wow! This poem is chilling. Artfully done really. I think the heavy nature of the poem is reflected well in the structure and phrasing. There are a few awkward words or lines though that I think could easily be made just a little clearer. In the second stanza, use "lay" instead of "laid." Instead of "worships" use "entreaties." Technically, the pupils are the black part of the eye...Just a few small corrections here and there would make this poem even more dramatic than it already is and I think for the better. Really great job though!!
ReplyDeleteReally powerful ideas that you explored here. Is there a specific rhyme and meter scheme? I think the delivery of these strong ideas would pack a stronger punch if it was less wordy- maybe cut out extra descriptive words, phrases, or examples? And I think establishing a regular format for each stanza could help guide the reader, because I was confused by the rhythm. Love the intellectual realization at the end that you phrase as not assuaging to the emotional pain- really great concepts here.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very dark and deep poem-- someone who had the worst "luck" wondering if there is a rhyme or reason to it. The stories are just tragic and are told concisely. I would suggest including some more punctuation. The rules of grammar are more lax in poetry, but because of the length and the narrative quality of this poem, it would make it easier to understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm always impressed with your work. You're always able to evoke such imagery from your words and I'm always impressed with the length of your poems. You're able to strike a good dichotomy between diction and image and that always makes me want to be a better poet. I'm just a little confused with the picture you chose to place with the poem - I'm not sure what the picture has to do with the poem. Other than that, awesome job!
ReplyDeleteI always think you write beautifully and this poem is no exception. Its incredibly chilling and I can feel the pain of the woman. I particularly loved the following lines "Prayers buried themselves into the ground
ReplyDeletebuilt a fortress to fight her pleads
what good was begging to a god
who gave no sign her entreaties were received?"
I also loved your line breaks and thought the way you broke up the poem was extremely artistic as well as appropriate. You always ( this poem included) are able to portray imagery extremely well. My one suggestion is that a black bird is often associated with misfortune so it wouldv'e been cool if you used a different symbol thats less common. Other than that, really great job!!!
I noticed that while everyone praised the poem, no one really described it or what they are interpreting from it. I would be curious to know. I get the sense of a horror story, like something out of Edgar Allan Poe, but it is a complicated story with many pieces and parts, and for all of these parts it is quickly told, jumping from scene to scene. Aside from the horror of it, I am having a hard time piecing things together.
ReplyDeleteThe first stanza is very abstract and "told." My of your subjects are abstractions like "misfortune," "superstition," "lucidity," and "apprehension." I am not yet getting into the poem, because of all the abstractions. My inner senses crave an image or something to latch on to.
The next stanza introduces another abstraction, death, which is personified as a crow, like Poe did with his raven. I was glad to see the crow arrive, because I can see crows. But I was wishing to see this one more than just "deep, dark eyes." Also, "deep" and "dark" are kind of tired adjectives. "It was a dark and stormy night" etc.
Then suddenly we are back in time at the character's honeymoon, and the syntax says her husband was stabbed, but the passive tense leaves the stabber unknown. I assume it was her, then, since there are no other characters in the poem. So the poem becomes even more Poe-like. He loves stories of murderers who can't repress the deed.
Then we shift again to a father who "always roles three sixes," suggesting something Satanic. This scene immediately shifts to another horrible scene, portraying a dead child, presumably hers. It's unclear if she killed the child. Maybe the husband (now there is a husband? I thought he was stabbed? New one?) did, because the child cracked the mirror? Why the old fashioned phrase "looking glass"? Alice in Wonderland reference?
In the next stanza, she apparently goes blind. Maybe this is a metaphor, or maybe it is literal. Not sure.
By now I am pretty confused. Why the parade of horrors? Who is this person, anyway?
The second-to-last stanza makes it seem like maybe it was all a dream or something, or maybe that these were exaggerated metaphors for lesser horrible things? Not sure.
Anyway, sometimes it helps to hear how one reader is working through the lines and trying to make sense of things. If this is supposed to be a specific character, maybe it would help to tell us in a title. In the end, I am left with a lot of questions about this mysterious suffering woman who may be a murderer.