She told him in no more than a whisper
Some more than others
Not the setting of a crimson sunset
Or the outstretched wings of a majestic jay
But the inside of a watermelon
The color of its juice
The bruise I feel on my thigh
The color of my hair
I am told is rich chestnut
I am told is rich chestnut
I wish to see past what nature presents to the world
He responded with frustration
The currents of electricity that buzz so ferociously
Atoms that compose the art of my body
The rays of light that enable me to see
All the abstractions that shape my thoughts
Love. Time. Pain.
Not the vastness of the ocean
She eagerly rejoined
Or the radiance of leaves in spring
Not the pure white flakes that fall in December
Or the tallest mountain ever to be discovered
But the words written in my favorite novel
The shape of my mother’s face
A candle slowly guttering
You want to see beyond that?
I have seen a freshly made bed
He spoke to her gently
The swirl at the top of an ice cream cone
The grey clouds that gather before a storm
Though it has only made me want more
Though it has only made me want more
How is the moon the mother of tides
Without even a touch?
How does an invisible weight tug me back down?
Without even a touch?
How does an invisible weight tug me back down?
Why is the eye tricked by illusions ?
If I were to wake one day
Her voice began to shake
With eyes that worked like yours
I suppose I would want to see more
More than stripes, and dots, and colors
And if I were to wake tomorrow
His tone turned tender
His tone turned tender
With pools of darkness instead of clarity
The moments I now find trifling
Would become the fantasies that haunt you
The moments I now find trifling
Would become the fantasies that haunt you
Inspired by All the Light We Cannot See,
Anthony Doerr
This poem about vision, quite fittingly, has some very beautiful images. Some of my favorite lines are "all the abstractions that control my thoughts" and "radiance of the leaves in spring."
ReplyDeleteSomehow, you also make lines like "the shape of my mother's face" and "a freshly made bed"--lines which seem so simple--into beautiful and compelling images. Because you have so effectively communicated the blind girls' longing to see these "ordinary" images, you have transformed them into something alluring and exotic.
To improve the poem, I would consider shortening some lines, simply because many of them are quite a mouthful.
some suggestions:
In the fourth line, the word "see," appears before the description of things she wishes to see (see, not the glow...)--but she already said in the first line she is describing things she wishes to see.
Maybe cut "majestic blue jay" to "majestic jay" (especially as she is blind--therefore would not conceive of it as blue)
Maybe "the rich chestnut of my hair" instead of "the rich chestnut color of my hair"
The word "yearn" feels out of place--to me, it's always a bit of an attention-seeking word. Maybe use long, or want--or wish, to parallel word choice of the girl. The word "yelp," more so, interrupts the flow--how about "responded with frustration" ?
The line "Beyond the physicality's and hidden parts" is both confusing and doesn't seem to add much beyond what is already stated in the first line of the stanza.
I am of two minds about the line "I crave to perceive what I cannot see." It's a good line, but it is already demonstrated in the stanza, and in a way spoils the punchline of the final line of the poem.
In the line "Though you wish to see beyond that?" maybe cut "though"--and make the question more direct: "You wish to see beyond that?"--which I think might more strongly convey the bafflement of the girl.
I was a bit confused by the wording "If I were to sleep tonight with pools of darkness"--isn't it always dark when one sleeps? Wouldn't he be most like her if he awoke to pools of darkness?
I found the poem enjoyable and thought-provoking. I liked the rhythm of the back and forth between the two characters and the juxtaposition of the two kinds of seeing--as well as the way each character comes to understand the other. Great job so clearly depicting what neither one can see--if they cannot see it, your reader can.
This poem is so rich in image and sound. There are images you can almost taste in the crispness of the syllables and the images you chose- watermelon juice, chestnuts, ice cream cones- you did such a beautiful job relaying something so intensively visual in a non-visual form. By employing our sense of taste and sound, you let us use our other senses to grasp an image that we can't actually see, but we feel like we're experiencing. That struck me as something almost meta about this piece- we can't actually see what you're describing, but we feel as if we could.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I love what you're saying philosophically at the end, I don't think its super needed; maybe add "and" before the second to last line and end there? Or maybe return to the images and propose one that combines their visions.
This poem is so exquisitely beautiful - the content is so rich and brilliantly executed...also, the gorgeous backdrop of your blog is perfect for this. The idea of a blind girl having this kind of a conversation with this boy, both describing a world they can't see is rich and fresh and exciting and I really think you pull it off.
ReplyDeleteThey way I feel you pull it off is through attention to detail: the little word choices. In the first stanza, the specification of a whisper, a jay, the inside of a watermelon, her thigh, and chestnut hair. Part of what makes her words so powerful is the seeming randomness of the examples she chooses to describe, and it's so sharp and awakening because that's the whole point: open your eyes, nothing is random - the world is full of art. The takeaway I got from it is that the greatest wonder shouldn't come from that which we cannot see, but that which we can.
Regarding that last line of the first stanza that we discussed in class, if you don't want to specify that it's something which was told to her you could keep it within a sense she does have access too, like the glossy tendrils or the kinky waves of her hair.
I really like how the girl and the boy are set up in contrast, she longing for the details, he for abstractions. The male character is set up effectively too, using details like "currents of electricity that buzz so ferociously" (love that choice of ferocious. Maybe drop the "so"? Has more impact), and the contrast of small "atoms" with the sweeping "abstractions" listed. Love that. The fifth line of that stanza about rays of light is clever, and helpful to understanding it, but maybe a bit too explicit? Maybe something like "rays that light my path ahead" or something? Just a thought. If you do keep it, maybe cut the "grant me the ability" to "grant the ability" or "grant my ability"
The verbs used are also wonderfully describtive, and I like that they kind of serve as a loose refrain, every second line of a stanza following the pattern:
"She told him in no more than a whisper"
"He responded with frustration"
"She eagerly continued on"
"He spoke to her gently"
"Her voice began to shake"
"His tone turned to one of sympathy"
Really impressive to have such an expansive dialogue without repeating the same way to say "she/he said"
I agree with the people who suggested cutting the last stanza. It's beautiful imagery, but the closing of the stanza before is really much more poignant without it.
If you didn't get it by now, I love this poem :-) Amazing
You have a great knack for picking the best words to describe what you want to. I especially love the way you picked your objects to describe just what it is your characters wanted to see.
ReplyDelete“ of electricity that buzz so ferociously” - Like this a lot
I don’t think you need the first line. I think if you jump into the describing of what she wishes to see, its enough. Perhaps, its even more effective to begin with the watermelon, or some other simple sight. For me, at least, that seems more unexpected and original.
As I mentioned in class, I also think this poem could benefit from being written in prose. It’s a conversation between two people and I think the stanza structure is limiting you slightly in a way that it shouldnt be. I think breaking away the structure would reveal some really nice things that haven’t had the chance to be seen yet. For example, you might get to get some nice long sentences in there.
Overall, I really loved the idea for this and I am excited to see more .
Wow! Gorgeous gorgeous poem, painting a vivid picture of what I perceived to be a blind person speaking to another person with eyesight.
ReplyDeleteYour imagery is rich and I read it over a few times because I enjoyed it so much.
I liked how you started off the pome in a clear way, informing the reader of what's going on. Sometimes when poems start off too confusing, it throws the reader off and they have a hard time making sense of the rest of the poem.
This stanza - "Some more than others
Not the setting of a crimson sunset
Or the outstretched wings of a majestic jay
But the inside of a watermelon
The color of its juice
The bruise I feel on my thigh
The color of my hair
I am told is rich chestnut" was my favorite because you incorporated a bunch of images that evoked emotion and helped pain the picture.
I found it cool also how you had a semi dialogue going on within the poem, and the contrast of genders.
Well done!
Loved the imagery and the descriptiveness in this poem! Thought it painted such a clear picture to the reader and that each line was extremely unique and individualistic. Also liked how you made the reader figure out this poem was about a blind person. Some lines I really loved were:How is the moon the mother of tides
ReplyDeleteWithout even a touch?
How does an invisible weight tug me back down?
Why is the eye tricked by illusions ?
those really drove the point home. Also love what you changed the last line to. Job really well done!