(Try to focus on the picture placed next to it when reading)
*still working on them
A Drought
The rainforest sleeps
when one green leaf awakes to
a drop! then cascade.
Temptations
Clusters of cupcakes
glare at me with their rainbow
Sprinkles. Just. One. Bite.
Details
Inside my mansion
I sit in my plush white robe
Wishing I bought the gold one
glare at me with their rainbow
Sprinkles. Just. One. Bite.
Details
Inside my mansion
I sit in my plush white robe
Wishing I bought the gold one
i think these are really beautiful and you generally use the cutting word really well. I also like that the progression of the three as a unit goes from the traditional nature based poem to more and more brought into the urban world by then transitioning to food and then luxuries. I think the first of the poems is the strongest but they are all beautiful
ReplyDeleteI like the way you juxtapose the photos with the text. All of these haikus were strong and had great things about them. However, I think the last one was the most effective. I LOVE the way the image is essential to understanding the poem. They work off of each other so nicely. I also love poems that end ironically, so I appreciate the bit about the gold robe. Very funny and powerful at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI like all of these haiku. Each one is successful within the scope of its intentions. The first one is the most traditional, and it recalls the classic frog haiku by Basho. It might even be a little bit too derivative, compared to the others, but it does its work as a haiku. The sense of a monsoon spring is powerfully conveyed by the last line.
ReplyDeleteThe second one has the best sounds: the c sounds in the opening line, the r sounds between cluster, glare, and rainbow. And the way the final sentence cuts through things and of course implies it is definitely not going to be the only bite.
The last one is my favorite. It is interesting to throw your voice in this way in a haiku. I don't recall people doing that. This is a very NYC poem, too, reminding me of wealthy people cloistered away in their towers.
I also like how you are using the blog form here by pairing these with suggestive images. Good use of the media.
Wow, these are great haikus. I agree with Eli's call that they progress from most traditional to edgy. I think you really rock this form and the conciseness it demands: you manage to paint a vivid picture with the few words you're allowed. And putting the actual images next to each is also smart and probably helps that: maybe instead of painting a picture, they manage to give movement to the pictures we're already looking at.
ReplyDeleteIn "A Drought," you got the serenity down pat. That imagery of the rainforest asleep, and one little leaf waking up is beautiful. I can almost hear the high pitched ping of "a drop!" then cascade. The word choices are amazing here: you only needed to use adjectives for the leaf because every other word was exactly the right word.
As beautiful as this one is, it's not totally creative, but I'm ok with that because of how well done the simplicity of it is, and since you get more creative with the next 2.
"Temptations" also has fabulous word choices: clusters of cupcakes, besides for really pleasing alliteration and assonance, evokes rainbows and flowers and bunches of fruit. The verb "glare" is perfect -- I'm guessing that's the cutting word? Since it goes from such rainbowy delight to this haunting glare.
And "rainbow" in regards to sprinkles might seem eh but it totally changes how we look at sprinkles: not just sprinkles, rainbow sprinkles. They have their own image.
"Details" is also my favorite -- it's so clever it makes me wonder if maybe you wrote these haikus after finding pictures and giving each a story? It really animates what's going on in the mind of that woman in the picture. And, again, the limit on words you're allowed to use really works to your benefit (/you use it to your benefit): you use key words like "mansion" "plush white robe" "wishing" "gold" to create this smart, funny soundbyte that's actually really deep and sad. Is the cutting word in this one wishing? That's not totally clear
Awesome haikus!
The progression of these Haikus, from the simple, untainted forest, to food temptations, to the tainted, illogicalness of wealth speaks for itself. You explore powerful themes here.
ReplyDelete"Drought!" is a simple, classic, well-written Haiku. The concept of a rainforest (lots of rain) experiencing a drought seemed weird to me - maybe change the title?
Cascade is a beautiful verb.
"Temptations" - I think "glare" is the cutting word - you'd never except cupcakes to glare :) Just a thought - maybe add a period after each word to emphasize the temptation to take a bite? Like this: "Just. One. Bite."
"Details" - I think everyone agrees this is an incredibly clever and effective Haiku, though it doesn't deal with the traditional subject matter of nature - very far from it, in fact :) This is the Haiku that stands out in my head, especially because of the association with a figure as bold as Marilyn Monroe. I think "wishing" is the cutting word, because the first two lines set up an expectation that the next sentence deal with the speaker enjoying the riches they've amassed, and not wishing for more (unfortunately, though, human nature disagrees).
Gorgeous pictures, by the way - they add dimensions to your poems.
Great work.
These poems are deliberate and well thought out. They are haikus at their best--they are spare, but tell a whole story. They pair beautifully with the pictures. (Like the poems, the images have a snapshot quality to them).
ReplyDeleteI liked the personification and the specificity "one green leaf awakes"--going from the broad image of the rain-forest then zooming in to one specific leaf. There is a reverse progression in the next line: from small to big-- a drop then a cascade. I have mixed feelings about the exclamation mark--it does add to the "cutting" sensation, but I think a comma might do it just as well, and with more subtlety.
I like the consonant sounds of "cluster of cupcakes," as well as the personification of the cupcakes as glaring.
I enjoyed the ironic tone of the third poem.
I like the progress from the first poem to the last, and I find that it is done so in a rather natural way. If I Only read the first haiku, I wouldn't expect the next 2 to follow, but that's what makes it interesting and unexpected!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Abigail, in regards to the exclamation point in the first Haiku. Might be a bit too dramatic and I think comma would do.
The second haiku- "Sprinkles. Just. One. Bite. " - I think the periods are clever and needed to be able to understand the temptation that the person I seeing faced with while looking at the cupcakes.
Overall, great job!
loved the second haiku and its sounds. Also loved how the last line of it broke the other up. Really enjoyed the pictures you incorporated as well. Thought they were perfect for this type of poetry and also were a nice depiction of the poem's actual content itself.Great job!
ReplyDelete