Jumbles of Chex mix scattered through our hallways
from the childish food fights we always had after dinner
you threw, so I threw
you laughed, as did I
Crayons stained the playroom walls
for when mom was not looking, it was a free for all
no rules or limits
only fun
Music filled each corner of the living room
as our legs and arms spasmed up and down
as our legs and arms spasmed up and down
you carried a light in your eyes
one that burned so bright, it seeped into mine
So father, listen
for I have seen your candle burn out
and am here to tell you of all the wonders
that you have so kindly shown me
The power of restraint:
when I spilled my thick purple grape juice
All along the front of your new white pants
you poured me another glass
The value of patience:
hours felt like minutes to you
for you never felt trapped by time
each moment was significant
The importance of storytelling:
even the most trivial affairs
you told with such eloquence
like your intricate explanation of how important a thumb is
like your intricate explanation of how important a thumb is
The purpose of adversity:
through times of suffering
your fist did not clench
because grief is a test created for us
You acted as a father should
cared for me when it was you who needed it
so if you are struggling to recognize your purpose
understand that you have gifted me with mine
understand that you have gifted me with mine
I like this family poem, and I note a number of succesful aspects of it: for one, the quatrains are working for you. The regularity of the stanzas makes this poem feel shapely and controlled. We feel at the hands of a writer who knows where she is going.
ReplyDeleteThe poem is at its best when you use homey and relatable images to convey your thoughts and feelings. The food fight scene in the first stanza is a good example. The poem is less engaging when it dwells in the abstract, as in this passage:
he importance of storytelling:
even the most trivial affairs
you told with such eloquence
for a well told story is a sign of intelligence
There are lots of adjectives here but nothing I can actually see. I recommend replacing the last line with an image of the father telling a story well.
Another thing I think would improve this poem is to prune and trim and try to find ways to streamline this poem and make it more muscular. Here are a couple examples:
"jumbles of Chex mix lay scattered through the hallways of our home"
jumbles of Chex mix scattered through our hallways
"as our legs and arms flew up and down in spastic movements"
as our legs and arms spasmed up and down
"so if you are struggling to recognize the purpose you serve"
so if you are struggling to recognize your pupose
With some more editing and love, I feel this poem has real potential! Good job.
This is a really great 'thank you' letter to a father. There is an extremely special relationship between a father and his daughter which is usually felt from the fathers point of view, however in this poem you showed the relationship from the daughters perspective very successfully. However I don't love the line "and am here to tell you" because I feel like it is obvious by the last stanza that that is what the speaker is doing. This poem is heartbreaking but in an uplifting way and I think it speaks very well to real emotions
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