The Body's Yearning For Truth
How do lies speak?
In the unusual tremble of the hands
And in the shivering that follows it; by
The incomplete glance of a troubled eye—
The heavy breathing that manifests signs of
slander—
That is how lies speak.
How do lies speak?
By the hammer-like beating inside the chest,
And the drops of warm sweat that shine, and trickle
And the drops of warm sweat that shine, and trickle
While the guilt, like a fierce intruder,
Flows among the artery’s sea of blood, disrupting it’s
Flows among the artery’s sea of blood, disrupting it’s
course
Breathing it’s own breath, and forcing the visible proof of
false words—
That is how lies speak.
How do lies speak?
In the inauthenticity of the voice—
As it soars to a fluttering squeal
In the foot that taps out a nervous rhythm—
In the laughter that leaps roughly out, in the telling of a mournful
story,
And through a flush of worry that stains the cheeks the color of
cherry
That is how lies speak.
How do lies speak?
Through the effort the mind must make—
Each time it is asked to retell past remarks; past fables
And the burden the heart carries, after each thread is lain;
In the tumult that turns in the
stomach
In the tumult that turns in the
stomach
That is how lies speak.
How do lies speak?
Through the way the body betrays each fabrication
And in the way the body can say what words cannot
That is how lies speak.
*Inspired by Ella Wheeler Wilcox's, "Love's Language."
Wow. This is a very descriptive poem which explains the experience and signs of lying. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of great descriptions here. For example: "And through a flush of worry that stains the cheeks a color of / cherry ." I'm wondering if "a" should be replaced with "the" because there cherry is a specific color and the indefinite article "a " denotes an unspecific color.
There were some places where I thought you could cut out some extra words (and I looked at Ella Wheeler Wilcox's poem to make sure I wasn't cutting out any words which echo her form).
"Flows among the artery’s sea of blood" - great description. I thought "artery" sounded awkward in the phrase. Maybe replace it with "the arteriolar sea of blood"?
"and the drops of warm sweat that vigorously shines, and trickles " - even though Wilcox uses "and" in the beginning of some verses, I think it flows better if you remove it here. Also, "drops" is plural so "shines "should be "shine." Though this paints a vivid picture, I thought there were too many adjectives. It sounds more elegant, cleaner, with just "vigorously" or "warm."
"In the laughter that roughly leaps out" - "roughly" sounds awkward on my ear for some reason, in this context. Maybe try "in the laughter that leaps roughly out?" Also, I thought it might sound good if you add in "out" after "taps" in the previous line so the two "outs" echo each other, "taps out," and "leaps out." Just an interesting idea.
Also, maybe fix the capitalization; for example, you capitalized the "and" in the beginning of the sentence, in one place but not in another place.
I noticed the single word lines and I'm unsure about them. They do work in some places - "cherry," "stomach" - but I didn't like "course," or "story" because those words weren't as unexpected as "cherry" and "stomach" and the emphasis incurred by placing them on their own lines felt unearned. Also, Wilcox doesn't use single word verses in "Love's Language."
"untrue words" - maybe write "false words" or another synonym for "false/ untrue" to remove the more awkward sounding "untrue."
"mind must make" - beautiful alliteration.
"Each time it is asked to retell past remarks;" - nice interior music.
"And in the way the body can say what words cannot " - beautiful interior music between "way," "say,"; "what," "words"; "can," "cannot"; "what" cannot." This is a beautiful, simple and unassuming sentence ripe with pleasing sounds.
Beautiful poem. Kudos.
This poem is deep and dark and real. The imagery here is alive and visceral: "While the guilt, like a fierce intruder, Flows among the artery’s sea of blood, disrupting it’s
ReplyDeletecourse " is an amazing line. The anaphora here which begins and ends each stanza elevates the drama and is ironic in how direct and open it is, while we talk about lies. There are some great descriptions here ("And through a flush of worry that stains the cheeks the color of cherry") -- maybe changing some weaker ones like "the unusual tremble" "visible proof" that don't give over as much. This is a really cool poem.
I really liked the repetition of the line "how do lies speak." Its persistence ties in with the theme--just as the lie is ever-present, so is the line...and the line itself is also great personification
ReplyDeleteAll the descriptions in this poem are incredibly vivid, and the great thing about the structure of the poem is that it leaves room for every one of these vivid descriptions.
I thought it might be interesting to write "usual trembling" instead of "unusual tremble"--for two reasons. Writing "usual" makes it seem both like a kind of medical symptom and like something ongoing/ recurring...it's also a little bit more unexpected than "unusual." "Trembling" would put "shivering" and "trembling" in the same form. Just a thought. Not sure if it would improve the line or not...
I like the dash after slander--and the transition from intense description to a simple line like "That is how lies speak." There is a sense of building up and then dropping which creates rhythm in the piece.
I especially like the personification of guilt "like a fierce intruder, flows among the artery's sea of blood, disrupting its course, breathing its own breath and forcing visible proof of false words" (though I believe it should be "its" not "it's"). Also, a suggestion---why "like" a fierce intruder? How about just, "guilt, that fierce intruder, flows..."
I also like the internal music between "force" and "false."
There is something a bit cluttered in the sounds "in the inauthenticity"--I'm not sure if its the repetitive "in" sounds or the length of the word, but you might want to go with something a bit shorter or easier to say like "falseness"
Why get rid of the end-dashes in the end?
Very strong poem, very vivid. Also very effectively structured.